Had the worst birthday today...

Please...don't ask.

the wedding singer.

For me, The Wedding Singer is the best American Romantic film that I've ever seen in my life. It proves to us that you don't really have to make a movie filled with sex, profanities, vulgarity, and all those other things you now find in modern American romance movies to make something so powerful and austere in pure, aesthetic sense. Here we have two innocent people who fell in love with each other not because they want to have sex with each other or anything like that. It was just a simple, beautiful attraction between the two that slowly developed throughout the movie - that's what makes it realistic and believable to see them get married in the end.

I really love the song Adam Sandler played in here. Grow Old With You, while simplistic, is very touching and heart-warming, and it ultimately unites the key idea that the movie has shown: Drew's desire to be with someone she can imagine who can grow old with her.

It's kind of funny how, every time I finish watching this movie, it always makes me wish that my love life is as beautiful and perfect as the way this movie portrayed in here. It makes you wish that there would be a guy like there like Adam Sandler in the movie who would readily and confidently sing in front of you and other people with a song that he made especially for you (and with the sweetest lyrics that a person can write for you, no less). Now, that's very nice. And then you bawl and curl up in a ball knowing that there are no other guys out there would do that now, haha.

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore really makes a good on-screen couples. In fact, they're my favorite. I'm not even surprised why their two movies (The Wedding Singer and The 50 First Dates) are very successful. Here's hoping they'd make another beautiful movie!

But that aside: you're wondering how on earth this movie has made me fall in love with Spandeu Ballet's True all over again? Everything lies on the movie's ending, folks. ;)

[photography] hazel series

I fell in love with Photography in 2007, although I'm pretty sure that those people who really know me back then when I was shying myself away from the came were very shocked by that unexpected revelation.

In all honesty, I've never expected it myself. But I guess once I managed to completely immerse myself to everything that is art, I have began to appreciate and loved those "other things", such as Photography and make-up. I really want to thank the photographer who took my pictures on my debut - he is my first and primary reason why I fell in love with Photography in the first place. His photographic techniques had inspired me beyond all reasons.

While others prefer taking pictures of nature, I love taking pictures of people. I don't know why. There's just something about capturing them in poses that you asked them to do that I find truly fascinating. I want to capture their beauty in pictures, make them appreciate what they have (something I know that I'm lacking...), and show them that they don't have to be popular figures to be considered beautiful.

That is why when I take pictures, I just don't take pictures. I tend to be slow but simply because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to it. I want to be sure that if I take a picture of someone, I want to make sure s/he's looking as best as she can. That is one qualm I have with other photographers: they tell you the pictures are nice as long as they get the job done (and the money afterwards), even though in the end the pictures don't look half as good as should have been if they only took the time and effort to do it.

Well, that aside, I'm going to post some of the old pictures I took of my friend, Hazel Ann Lomboy. Hazel was nice enough to let me use her as a model when we were at Daneva's house. These images were taken back then when we were still practicing for her debut dance. I know that, as of now, my photographic techniques and skills are lower than the amateur's, but I am very willing (and excited) to learn more about them someday. Enjoy.

...besides, this is my way of coping with my disappointment for not being able to get Digital Photography next semester. Aurgh. I'll make it sure I get that class next year, though! *wants to own a professional camera*

I took this picture with the idea of "optimism" and choosing to "keep moving forward". I was aiming for an almost magazine/pro look, haha...

I made Hazel stand near those plants to give the picture an exotic/earthly look.

Same picture as above but I edited the colors a bit and made it look more faded. I personally love this more than the last one, but only for aesthetic reasons.

On this picture, I wanted to portray her as a sophisticated, intellectual, and confident woman, which is why I asked her for that pose specifically (and yes, even the glasses add to that portrayal, too).

I played around with the space and tried to make her look tall, which wasn't difficult considering how she has natural long legs to boot. Long legs give an impression of higher height...at least in my opinion.

I was trying to make it look she's showing off the house as her own, haha. Dark, dirty yellow blends well with brown and creamy white background.

Again, with this one I tried to play around with the space. My main focus were the two poles in the background. I wanted to make it look parallel and sort of give it a mirror look.

As you can guess, I tried to play around with colors. I wanted to make it look like she's optimistically existing in a sad, static, black-and-white world.

I made this in grayscale because I thought the color fit the mood perfectly. I just wished I changed the way her hands were placed in the picture.

I was aiming for a filmstrip look. I made one for myself as well, but of course, taking a picture of yourself is more difficult than taking other people's pictures. I honestly like the colors on this one.

* Just in case you're wondering: these picture were taken with a regular Nikon digital camera. I just edit and make the colors/quality much better using Photoshop. I wish I have a pro camera, though.

dive back into cyberland!

Oh, gosh. I was very surprised when I saw this on youtube. I mean, Alice in Cyberland? That old, 1998 Japanese game that used to play on repeat when I was young? You're kidding!

...well, except not. Someone actually knew this game and even uploaded all the cutscenes for everyone to see. I was happy and was hit by sea of nostalgia when I watched them all today. And to think that I didn't even really understand the whole story at that time, only playing it for its art and its music, haha. How silly of me.

Still, it's kind of funny how watching this video immediately reminded me of my silly and Alice in Cyberland-crazed childhood. I used to sing this song 24/7, you know?

What's even more amazing is that I can still remember the entire lyrics and sing along with it even now.

i miss being a child.

(taken from google)

But not in the sense of being able to get anything you want as most of you would think.

I am talking about the freedom that all children have - the freedom to become anything else you want to be as long as you dream for it.

It's quite amazing, really, how I seem to have more spank and confidence when I was young about what I wanted in life than I do now. I was a huge dreamer then. I remember wanting to become anything and everything.

I wanted to be a newscaster when my dad made me that fake carton box television.

I wanted to be an actress and a model because I enjoyed acting and people told me I was fit to be a model.

I wanted to be a stewardess when I first saw how elegantly beautiful they looked with their uniform on.

I wanted to be a teacher because I loved helping people out.

I wanted to be an artist because art was my life.

I wanted to be a writer because I liked being able to write anything I wanted.

Of course, being a kid you have the natural priviledge of dreaming. Heck, there are even children's toys out there that support and encourage children to be what they want (i.e. costumes, doctor barbies, etc.). They can dream and dream without being discouraged to pursue something and without being binded by the harsh, cold truth called reality.

Right now, I am standing in the middle of a crossroad. I am no longer that child who dreamed of being everything. Because if there is anything life has taught me, it's the fact that simply wanting and loving something would not get you anywhere. Dreams won't get you anywhere. You truly have to have what it takes to get there.

I miss those days when I could just say "I love art so I can do this!" with a big, happy smile on my face. Back then that was enough to keep me moving forward. But as I grow older and compare myself to other people, I don't even know if those words are enough to keep me pushing forward but leave me with a bitter taste of dread and trepidation.

I apologize for the post. I was playing this Japanese game I had for PlayStation 1 about five girls aspiring to be popstars, and listening/reading these characters talk about their dreams...it was so heartfelt that it made me so sad about myself.

survived again...

I apologize for not keeping this journal updated for a while. As always, I have been very busy with college-related stuff. In fact, I have just recently survived two of the big projects I had to do. Aurgh. Here's hoping that I did a decent job on them at least. I still have more projects/papers/finals to worry about. Oh, joy.

Nevertheless, here is a picture I've taken the day after I finished my second PACSEM essay (remember that post?). At that time, I was able to catch up some sleep, so I woke up refreshed and motivated to grab some nice tee's and put on makeup to cover the horrible eyebags more conscientiously. I just got the opportunity to upload it now.

I haven't had any decent recent pictures in a while so I figured it would be good to post this in blog and maybe to facebook/myspace/friendster as well. Let's just see.

Whoever said violet/purple plus pink/rosy colors equals romantic colors was right. I have to agree that it does give that kind of romantic flare to an image, haha.

That doesn't mean I'm beautiful, however. Have to clear that up before anyone gets mad and claim that I'm over assuming, haha.

i was never been the type to retaliate before...

(picture taken from google)

...but when you continuously provoke and attack me, all the while pretending that I do not see or hear any of these because you are under the impression that you have managed to fool me by not naming me directly, then, of course, I have to respond.

I would be honest with you: I am really, really tired of you and everyone else saying (behind my back, of all things) that I forget and do not care about you guys. I have had enough of this. And all of this because I could not call or text or chat or check out social network sites or whatever else you have the luxury of doing? I have always told you that I am truly sorry, that I feel horrible for not being able to hang out and talk to you all since I entered college, and I truly mean it. But here you are, accusing me of the same thing over and over again like I have wanted this to happen in the first place.

Have you ever wondered why I cannot talk to you or anyone else? Please, try to put yourself in my shoes for once. All this time, you are only looking at everything your way.

Okay. How about this: Let's just say I talk to you today. You are wondering what I would say? Well, this is mostly what I would have talked about:

I have eighteen units, which I really do not want but I am forced to have (read: dad). Heck, if having over eighteen units wasn't so much of a hassle to do, what with papers to fill up and everything, then he would have made me take more than that. Oh, how I wish he would just understand...

Because I have eighteen units, my days are always full. Even Thursday, the day when I only have one class (and supposed to be my Rest Day), I still have homeworks/projects/essays. And weekend? What weekend? I do not even feel like I am having vacation, for crying out loud!

...which is why the little free time I have is very precious to me, and I spend them mostly catching up some sleep, which admittedly I am not having that much anymore (min: 30 mins., max:3-4 hours). I try to spend that time for myself in isolation because I need a break from dealing with people almost 24/7. Even then I do not seem to get enough free time to do what I want to do. Sure, you could say that I play "stupid games", but you are forgetting something: time is my enemy. Hence, even though I do get to play for a little bit during those rare times, I keep watching out for the time that I cannot fully enjoy the game(s) I am playing.

I always go home tired - no, exhausted - and stressed out. Lately when I take a nap I have a very difficult time waking up to do my homework and everything. I am just that tired. If you are so adamant in knowing, then I will let you in a secret: I always cry at night because of all the stress I am experiencing since the beginning of college. I have no way of dealing with it and I just could not take it anymore. And no, he does not care. If it is any consolation (on your part, that is), he just makes things difficult for me for always doing things at a wrong time. But then, do you even care about that? I do not think so.

Thanksgiving break is not going to be a Thanksgiving break for me. Why? Because I have a.) to finish the 15 pages research paper for my Renaissance and Reformation class (due: Dec. 4th), b.) a collaborative scrapbook-like project for my Survey of World Art (Art History) that is due on the 10th of Dec., c.) study for a midterm that is coming up the week after Thanksgiving, d.) a 5-6 pages full-processed PACSEM essay that is due the week after Thanksgiving also, e.) possibly a few more sculpture projects to do, and quite horribly a sculpture project to do at home during Thanksgiving, f.) a full-processed, self-reflection essay for PACSEM that is due on the 14th of Dec., g.) midterm for Art History on the 17th of December, and, of course, h.) the finals that are coming up on the 12th-18th of December. If I ever survived this then that would be a miracle.

Just survived two big essay/presentation projects. Not being able to sleep in two days is definitely not fun.

I cannot even celebrate/have fun on my birthday because of the way things are. Don't you think that sucks?

I am a Studio Art Major (BFA), not a simple Art Major (BA). If you assume that it is the simplest major in the whole world, then you are sadly mistaken. It is quite the opposite. Heck, I would put its difficulty on par with science/mathematics majors. We are not allowed to start out with our major our freshman year for nothing, you know.

Most of the time, I just wear whatever I could easily slip on when I go to class compared to how I was my senior year. You got your wish now.

And then after this you would say I only talk about myself (and the same thing) over and over again. See that? The reason why I do not want to talk to anybody, on top of my lack of time to do those things, is that I do not want you to have to listen to me whine about the same thing over and over again. I know you, and I know how it would make me feel if I was in your place to begin with. You would surely think that I am too wrapped up in myself, which is not the case. How can I talk about anything else apart from this, really? Do you think that I have any life outside of college at the moment that would merit a decent conversation. Tell me about it.

I am not antagonizing you - I am merely defending myself from your accusations and vindictive indirect/passing comments about me. I am not going to apologize for being direct and blunt about everything in this post, but I do want to apologize for the length of this blog. I hope that in doing this you would finally understand my side and learn from it.

Despite of everything else, I still love you as a good friend. Please do not let this silly misunderstanding to estrange our friendship.

Thank you so much for reading. Have a good day.

Sincerely,

Karen

"i am nobody but myself"

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.

- Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Emphasis made by me. Words cannot express how much I love this quote. It clearly epitomizes everything I have been going through right now. Beautiful quote.

this is my tired face;

(if you haven't noticed, you can click the picture to see the bigger version)

The picture was taken in the Art Building of UoP, by the way. /shameless plug-in

I took this picture the day after I finished my second full-processed essay for Pacific Seminar...I didn't get any sleep at all. x_x Actually, I haven't been sleeping that much these past few weeks because I have so many college assignments that I had/have to do.

If I know any better, the eyebags and the paleness of my skin almost make me a passable zombie, haha. I look so haggard these days.

Blame my dad for forcing me to take eighteen units for this.

new phone;

So Tito El decided to buy me a new cell phone as an early Christmas/Birthday gift. Samsung Finesse is the name. Basically, it's like a pseudo-iPhone, being that it's touch screen and everything.

While I consider it really pretty (the texts and the colors are absolutely pro-looking compared to my previous Samsung phone), I really dislike how the internet is set up on this phone. Sure, I can actually surf the internet and see the web pages as they are on the actual internet, but goodness, the fact that I have to scroll a LOT in order to see everything can get too tedious and confusing.

Also, being a Samsung phone, all texts have a limit of 160 characters. That frustrates me. If you know how I text, then you'd know how I enjoy texting really looooong texts, so it really bothers me how I have to start writing another text whenever I reach that 160 limit. Aurgh. Considering that my old phone was like that, I assumed that Samsung has already changed that. I guess not. :(

I still prefer Nokia phones/phones with actual keypads on them. I guess you could say that I'm more of an economic/efficient/quality type of person instead of...uh, the follow-the-trend type.

Other than that, I really like the fact that I can save images online this time! That means I can have different beautiful wallpapers to use on my phone. :D

...why yes, I love Tifa. XD

* I'm so sorry if the pictures are all pixel-y...blogger reduces the quality of the pictures every time I upload them unlike in tumblr. :(

a funny experience;

A few days ago, my dad received a package for me (see pic above), to which he goes, "who the hell is it from?!".

Apparently, it's a Kotex package, with samples of napkins and tampons. I seriously don't know how they got a hold of my name.

I don't even like using tampons, for crying out loud! XD

ever wonder what my room looks like?

Well, here it is:

Two weeks ago, I finally forced my butt (amidst of all the school works I had to do, aurgh) to clean and give my room a huge makeover. My dad and I aren't sharing the room anymore, so this big room is all mine. Alas! I got a room of my own. :D

Here, I took more pictures from different angles. I'll tour you. :D

This is my bed. Of course, knowing myself, it would have the Snoopy motif. :] You can see my dear teddy bears on top of me, as well as that reminder board on the wall. I insisted on having one because I've always wanted to have one, haha. (That cross-stitched 'Karen' was made by Joana when we were in sixth grade. Yes, I still have those little things with me. XD)

This area is directly across the first picture that I showed you. From left to right, you can see my cabinet, book shelf, extra table for my college books, drawing/study desk, and my make-up "place", haha. Those two drawings you see attached on the wall are just some of the things I have drawn when I was a kid. They are not completely great, but I remember being proud of them at that time when I drew them. I guess you could say that it's for old time's sake that made me put them up on there in the first place. :)

A close up picture of my drawing desk. Those sketches are my concept works for my upcoming mystery/horror game, which I'm planning on working/finishing when I'm not busy anymore with college.

Close up pictures of my bookshelf and my make-up area. It's kind of embarrassing because I only have a small collection of manga compared to most people I know, but oh well. I think the makeup area is pretty self-explanatory, haha. :D

On top of the cabinet, I put my diploma and the three collectible Barbie dolls that I was able to save. Even now, I still regret opening the other Barbies that I had because it's my dream to put them all in a glass shelf someday...

a revival;

I am thinking of reviving this journal again so that everyone can read what I have been up to lately (read: college), especially with the way they think that I have disappeared from the face of the earth these past few months. I have also decided to write my future posts in English to cater my friends in America as well.

So, yes. Starting next post you will find my work-in-progress artworks, photographies, and some day-to-day events of my life.

Have a good day! :)